My Heart Before Launch

Woah. Four weeks of training camp in Georgia, two weeks of domestic missions in North Carolina, another week of debriefing back in Gainesville, a week-long of travel, and now I am here in Siem Reap, Cambodia! WOAH! Over the course of training camp, domestic missions, and our debrief, lessons were learned, hearts shifted, and walls crumbled. My heart posture has changed so radically and in so many ways. Notably, I have learned what it means to be vulnerable. For so long I refused to let people know what was going on deep down in my heart. I viewed being vulnerable as a sign of weakness, as something that was a personal obligation to resolve, not as an invitation to glorify God in the process. I have learned that being open in such a way allows us to see God for who he is, and how God can produce a spirit of boldness and an aptitude for action. The following contains excerpts from my personal journal that detail testimonies, moments of joy, and thanksgivings, and illustrate a few raw portions of my heart 🙂

 

8/30/2022

    “Today was heavy. My heart of stone is falling apart, cracking under the pressure of the weight of Jesus. What he did for me. This facade of self-righteousness is tearing before my eyes and I am left with my broken heart. I am so tired and weary, Lord. Why are you so far? I run but the fog in my mind blinds me. I cannot see, yet your voice says you are near. I feel so alone in this darkness. Yet, I see how the sun shines through thick green leaves, and know you are there as an irreverent butterfly lands at the feet of my hammock. Thunder shakes the earth and I am reminded that you are powerful and have broken the bondage of sin. I see a rainbow after the storm and I am reminded that you promise LIFE. I am broken, but you pour gold through the cracks in my porcelain”

 

8/31/2022

   “God is so good and almighty, the great healer, the great I AM. Sydney’s broken foot was healed in worship! Praise God! I feel the anticipation that something good is coming.”

 

9/4/2022

    “The kingdom of God. It is here and now, it is fellowship, it is a new identity, it is culture and stewardship, it is selah, it is sacred, and it is worth the wait. I look around at people singing God’s praises, dancing in the rain. Women gathered in small groups sharing vulnerable pieces of their hearts. Men weeping as they pray for each other. This is the kingdom, and it is at hand. Through the Holy Spirit, we will heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, and cast out demons. We will freely give because we freely received the blood of Christ. During trials, we will find our strength in the Lord. In the face of rejection, we will shake the dust off our feet.”

 

9/7/2022

  “Jesus was among us, the afflicted, on that dusty pavilion. The Holy Spirit spoke through us as we read aloud scripture. Man will fail me, but God’s love never fails. I rejoiced with my brothers and sisters and wept with them too. God meets us where we are, and works in ways our flesh cannot bear to fathom. God is patient and kind. He encourages us to wrestle with him.”

 

9/9/2022

  “The sun shines softly through thick puffy clouds, a powerful wind combs through the oak trees, plucking away yellowing leaves. The leaves dance as they fall to the sweet melodies of worship. Creation exalts You as the season comes to an end. I am so in love with the Most Beautiful, all-powerful King of Kings. Everlasting to Everlasting you wove the roots of oak with the earth. Even the cicadas sing praises to you. I am captivated by your love and the beauty you have created.”

 

9/16/2022

“God, you wreck me in the best ways. Thank you for showing me your goodness. Let my heart sing your praises like the crickets that sing to you in the night. Let not the lust of the flesh and the pride of life take a hold of my heart. Because of your son, God in human form, acted as the blood sacrifice for every mistake I have made, I am made new every day of my life.”

 

9/17/2022

“The righteous heart is firm even when it is broken (Psalm 112:6-8). While my heart aches, I turn to the embrace of the Lord my God. His arms like wings shield me, I will find comfort in him all the days of my life. Every day I will step towards him in obedience, even if my bones break and muscles tear. The cost of following the Lord my God? Death to self; death to my thoughts, my security, my culture. The Lord my God commands me to pick up my cross and follow him, for the laborers are few and the harvest is plentiful. We are sojourners, pioneers, the remnant, peculiar. To go against the grain is to be obedient, I will forever swim upstream. If heartbreak is the cost of obedience, I’ll break my heart over and over again. The others mock, spit, curse my name, and I will rejoice and be glad, for God prepares a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.”

 

9/23/2022

“Hot biscuits and gravy for breakfast. The Lord is good.”

 

9/23/2022

    “How beautiful are the feet of the man that came for me. Feet blistered by scorching hot sand, calloused my rock. Scorned and scarred by thorns and brush. The man that came for me walked miles and miles to find his lost sheep. The man that put his garments aside, knelt down on his knees and washed MY feet. Feet caked with sin that stained like clay, he washed it all away, the dirt and the mud. Beautiful are the feet of those cleansed by the man that came for us. Blessed are the feet of those that preach the gospel”

 

9/29/2022

      “Lord, you are so good. Thank you for tight hugs. For the light of dawn outlining the crest of the mountain ridges. For spontaneous coffee drinks and refreshing quiet times. For thoughtful friends and warm welcomes. For fall foliage and teamwork. For lovely notes and sweet words of affirmation. For childlike faith, harmonious worship, and words of wisdom. Thank you for the beautiful life you have created for me. 19 years ago you knitted me in my mother’s womb, and I am thankful for each and every moment”

 

9/30/2022

“Almighty God, perfect in nature. Your love proves to be steadfast in every nuance of my life. Have mercy on your daughter, consumed by the pride of life. She seeks the approval of others, your creation, rather than you, the creator. How can she not see how much more you can give her? Have mercy on me, for I am the lost daughter, blinded by harsh wind, rain, and fog. I will sing to you, in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder you will hear my praises. Death, the pride of life, is defeated, and the king of kings, Lord of Lords, is alive. Despite my struggle, you welcome me with open arms, like warmth from a fire on an icy night.”

 

10/4/2022

“As the sun sets on this crisp autumn evening, the light ports over the mountain ridge like gold. It saturates the leaves with warmth, and coats the tree tops with a metallic gleam. I am in awe of you, the great Designer.”

 

10/5/2022

“What a gift it is to work with good ministry hosts! We organized rusty scrap metal and fence posts on Terry’s property. He indulges us with elaborate stories from his 64 years of experience. As we sit during our lunch break overlooking the luscious property and landscape, I can help but think of the story of Peter, Jesus, and John on the mountain. “It is good that we are here,” Peter says (Matthew 17:4). In some instances, I can’t think of the words to say. As I lay on this grassy field, the sun heating my back, I look up at the sourwood trees and their bright leaves. I glance at my sleepy teammates and praise God because it is good that we are here.”

 

10/7/2022

“I strive to hold a perfect image even though I am well aware that out of the billions of people that have breathed life into the atmosphere since the Garden, only one walked a blameless and pure life. Lord, I pray for vulnerability. Give me the courage to reveal the broken pieces of my heart, surrender my personal agenda and align myself with your doctrine. Show me how my mess can glorify you. Bless me, break me, share me.” 

 

I pray that maybe someday, these humble journal entries can be used to showcase God’s handiwork to the world.

 

Until next time, 

Olivia